May 31, 2013
Drew Magary's Haters' Guide to the Top 25 College Football Teams is a must read for anyone wanting to laugh hysterically.
"IGNORANCE that will always be the common thread, the one part of the sport that shall remain forever unchanged. Also, ***k Ohio State. As always, we use the AP poll, because the coaches poll is worthless:
1. Alabama. Nick Saban. Of course it's Nick Saban. Even in a state with such a rich history of ignorance, racism, and general stupidity, Nick Saban can stand out as the most vile element. Just this week, a GQ article came out in which Saban openly bitched that the national title game hurt his recruiting. Not only is Saban the most insane of insane coaches, but he has crossed the rubicon and become an impossible parody of an insane, humorless coach. ALL THESE DAMN CHAMPIONSHIPS HAVE MADE MAH PLAYERS SOFT! I WISH I'D NEVER WON 'EM! He's awful. And the worst part is that other coaches strive to emulate him. Like college basketball's little army of mini-Pitinos, there are more than enough Saban clones out there with perfect hair, micro-regimented schedules, and near-Soviet levels of hatred for human mirth.
By the way, do you folks at 'Bama realize how lucky you people are that Saban said yes to you? The four previous Crimson Tide head coaches were Mike Shula, Mike Price, Dennis Franchione (who ditched the team for the dumpster fire that is College Station), and Mike DuBose (b***** his secretary). You people should build Saban TWO statues for rescuing you from that decade. If Saban stays with the Dolphins, Alabama is 6-6 for the rest of eternity. So enjoy your title run, Bama fans. The day Saban dies of a heart attack, it's back to hiring DuBose dongalikes for you.
2. Ohio State. Oh hey, turns out your pious a*****e of a head coach not only has landmines planted in his brain, but he's likely 50 times dirtier than the pious a*****e he replaced. From the high school to the college level, the state of Ohio is terminally incapable of operating a scholastic football program that isn't run by liars, false prophets, scumbags, or rape apologists. Any time someone tells me he's from Ohio and involved in football in some way, I double lock my car and put a cork in my a*****e.
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3. Oregon. That f*****g training complex. Are you kidding me? Did they build it in the shape of a middle finger? I'm not gonna lie: I wanna live there. I'm insanely jealous that I don't have an ID badge and commemorative duck there with my name on it. If I played for Oregon, I would never wanna graduate. I'd fail and fail and fail, because after graduating, I gotta get an apartment 1/132nd that joint's size. Suicide rates among former players will increase tenfold. I'm sure their bones will be used to glaze the facility's marble whirlpools.
4. Stanford. I hate that everyone at Stanford believes $100 million in venture capital funding is somehow their birthright. I also hate that Stanford combines the smugness of Harvard with the smugness of Californians bragging about their superior produce. It's unbearable. You people with your f*****g utopian learning bungalows. I prefer the stupidity and corruption of normal Pac-12 schools to you.
(Side note: Remember Bill Walsh 2.0? When Walsh came back and said, "This is my bliss" in the opening press conference, as if to openly admit that he was there to kick back and relax? The Cardinal went 7-14-1 in Walsh's last two seasons. And even though I can't find video of it, I distinctly remember Walsh getting angry with Chris Fowler in a televised interview that final season. Fowler asked Walsh something he didn't like, and Walsh said, verbatim, "Now you're starting to piss me off." And he looked like he was gonna rip Fowler's head off. We can't find video of this interview. If you have it, please poke the Bubbaprog with a stick.)
5. Georgia. This state has winning pro teams like the Falcons and Braves, and yet the people there choose to spend all their fan capital on a college team that can't even win its own conference. Are you people f*****g stupid? (JUST KIDDING I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER IS YES.) Alabama fans are justifiably bats**t crazy for the Tide because they win stuff. You win nothing. It makes no sense. It's like being a Washington Generals fan.
6. South Carolina. FUN FACT: Hootie & the Blowfish have a street named after them in Columbia. Hootie Boulevard (!!!!!) was dedicated in 2010, and the band also got a MONUMENT built in their honor, which is exactly .000000000 percent as cool as Detroit's RoboCop statue.
Ragging on Hootie Blvd. is the meanest thing I can do with the Gamecocks because they invited me to speak to their incoming freshman class a week ago. Now you think real hard about the quality of a school that would allow something like that to happen.
7. Texas A&M. Football Bieber. It's not even close. Before Johnny Football arrived, A&M was just a boot camp for ugly people and aspiring arsonists. Now it's home to a sniveling, whiny, alcoholic redneck brat who deserves to have his name dragged through the mud. Five years from now, Johnny Football will be run out of the NFL and will be pissing in buckets and spitting on roadies backstage at Keith Urban concerts. He's a jackass. Get ready for 20 more single-half suspensions.
8. Clemson. I don't remember you f***sticks bringing me in to talk to your freshmen. GAMECOCK 4 LIFE F*** YOU.
9. Louisville. You can read here about how Louisville—a fundamentally worthless school—essentially became a ward of ESPN and has now grown into the academic equivalent of the BUY NOW spaceship from WALL*E."
..........And 16 more analyses of the rest of the top 25 ....
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